Not So Good

Okay, so some changes have been bad. Last July, my husband and I found out from mutual friends that one of our classmates has cancer. I was at home, when I got the call. I didn't know what to do. It was just shock. Jason was the youngest person in our class. Probably the nicest as well. I did not know how I was going to tell my husband that one of his best friends from highschool was dying. When Austin got home that day, I was in tears before I could utter a word. Poor Austin was trying to comfort me, and he had no idea what was going on. He did not react the way I expected. He just said "He'll make it" We went that very week to Jackson to see Jason. He'd lost alot of weight and was very tired, but still talked to us. He was smiling and looked like Jason. I thought he was handling things much better that I could have. Everyone was in shock. It had been over 7 years since graduation. Some of us had hardly seen each other at all, but that did not diminish our feelings. In our hearts, we're always friends, even if we've lost contact. Your heart still breaks, when you hear bad news, and still rejoices when you hear something good. Jason's doctors did not seem to have much hope, but everyone else did. Everyone we know has been hoping and praying ever since. The sad thing is we haven't really talked with Jason. We are cowards. It is too hard to face that one of us might be gone soon. So we hope and pray and get updates from friends and family, but avoid direct contact. Now we have been told that they have tried everything, and Jason has only a matter of time. I cannot grasp that one of us will be gone. We are too young to deal with this. Too young to be dying. We are all supposed to be here for many years to come. But we will not. Jason is one of the kindest people I have ever known. I cannot imagine this world without him. This world needs Jason, but I hope and pray that he will not suffer. That his pain will be eased. I am grateful that I got to know Jason. He was always kind and considerate. Always ready to laugh and be a friend. You could never accuse Jason of looking down his nose at anyone. It is hard to face. It is easier to pretend that everything is as it always was. That Jason is fine, and this tragedy will not happen. But we have to be courageous. For Jason. For his family. For each other.

Spring Changes

My school is on Spring Break this week, and it has been wonderful. We all needed a break. The kids were becoming rowdy, and I was getting impatient. The weather has been fabulous the last few days. I love spring. Everything is just fresh and new, and I get tired of wearing bulky, heavy clothes. Give me sandals and sleeveless shirts anytime. I have to say though, by the time the weather starts cooling down, I will be just as happy then. God knew what He was doing making the different seasons. If the weather was always the same, we (at least I) would lose our minds. There is probably a lesson in there about how change is a good thing, we just have to adapt to it. Changes have always been hard on me whether they seemed good or bad. Though I admit they are much easier than they used to be. Austin has helped me with that. We signed the papers to sell our house last Wednesday, and the check is in the mail. Now we can finally start looking for a place of our own again. I love my family, but it is really hard to live in crowded quarters when you're used to having your own space. We are grateful though, because it could've taken a year or more for the house to sell, and it's only been 3 months. I will miss our house though. There are things about the coast I was learning to love. I still have friends down there, that I will rarely get to see, and that's sad. Thank goodness for email. I'm better about that then sending letters. It was hard to move down there, but I think it was the best thing that could've happened for us. We got married, and then immediatley were on our own, in a new town, with new jobs, where we didn't know anybody, and had to rely on each other for everything. It was fabulous!! We always missed our friends and family down there, and we loved it when anyone came to visit. At the same time, I miss having weekends where I don't see anyone but Austin. Of course, we'll get some of those back, when we have a place of our own to live again. I'm grateful to be close to our friends and family again. We have been able to really hang out with people, and spend time with them, instead of just quick "Hellos" we're leaving tomorrow. We've been able to hang out with couples and with friends one on one, and we really missed that down there. We had a few friends on the coast, and we still talk to them, but it was different. It's been good to be back home. We've met knew people here and now we're making a new groove for ourselves. We didn't want to go back to the old one. To sum up, change has been very good to me. Not always easy, but good.

Happiness

Why is it hard to be happy? Some of you will read that question, and immediately begin to doubt my happiness. Don't. I'm very happy. I love my husband, I love my dog, I love both my jobs, I'm selling my house, and hopefully getting another soon. I am extremely happy. But it doesn't change the fact, that happiness seems easy to acquire and hard to hold on to. Day to day life can just get you down, and we as humans seem to want to wallow in that. I know not everyone does this. I've seen extremely happy people, who have had some horrible tragedy or disappointment in their past. To look at them, you would never know. You could never possibly imagine that some thing stole their heart. Thing is the only word for it. It's usually so horrible that it cannot really be described only understood. Yet so many people are able to live again. Then those of us who should be fine, want to give in to annoyances and be unhappy. I've also seen people who seem to have everything going for them and they are obviously miserable, or they only pretend to be happy. (It's all a big fa-cade! -I know it's not pronounced that way but if you seen the movie this is from you'll get it) I am not a moody person most of the time. My moodiness generally comes out when I'm tired, but there are times with me and I'm sure with most people that you just get down. I know I've had some rough things in my past that could have left much more obvious marks for the world to see. Even my closest friends (except Austin) don't know the true secrets of my heart. The things that could have ruined my life. I seem like a normal person that has never had bad things happen to her. Yet these awful things that leave hidden scars are not what generally gets me down. Instead it is annoyances and frustration that I fight to overcome. I hate it when I get like that. It seems so selfish and unfair of me. Especially when others have it really bad. Don't get me wrong. Sometimes it is hard to let go of the past, and I can become hung up on those things. I do not blame people who have a hard time "going on with life" when bad things happen. I'm very sympathetic. But I admit to having hard time with people who just seem to whine. {I'm not talking about venting either, everyone needs to vent-especially to their friends; heck-I'm doing it now} I have this Tom Petty song that I recently really listened to the words too, and I have come to use it almost as an anthem. To remind me that life is hard, but you determine your happiness by your reactions, and the way you choose to live. My favorite part is

"You don't have to live like a refuge, Everybody's had to fight to be free".

I hope no one takes any of this against them in some way. I love reading ya'lls' blogs, the good and bad. This whole thought process came over me when Kimberly and I were talking this week (It was great to spend time with you!). We just starting discussing those times that want to make you give up, but that you keep going on. Wondering why some people (Christians and non-Christians) give in to their pain, and others learn how to live again. Everyone gets depressed, but not everyone stays depressed. I've learned the older I get that everyone has scars, but some are hidden. Everyone has had bad things happen to them, they just deal with them differently. People who are able to deal with life inspire me. They make me want to forget my hurts and stay happy (not flit back and forth). I don't hold grudges, but I do have the tendency to hold onto pain. It is buried deep and rarely surfaces. Those everyday frustrations can get to me sometimes. But I love being alive. Life's no fun if you're always upset about little things. I'm determined to be a more upbeat person who lives life to the hilt. I don't want to be a happy worrier. I want to be a happy person. Happy people help the people around them be happy. (Say that 5 times fast) Being able to share this on my blog, helps me. I just need to get those thoughts out there sometimes. It also helps me hold myself accountable. I will fight to be free. Everyday. From those big and little things. I hope anyone reading this doesn't get down. It's meant to inspire in my own weird way. Just remember when you come down from the happy "highs", you can stay happy. No one has to live in ways they don't want to. You don't have to be a refuge! You can be so happy others will wonder and strive to achieve the same.

I'M BACK

I know I haven't posted in awhile. Sorry! Things have been so crazy here. I also have been feeling that I didn't really have anything good to write about. I do want everyone to know though that I regularly check your blogs to keep in touch even when I don't update mine. I'm sitting at work with nothing to do, and I'm bored out of my mind. Some might think I'm lucky but since I'm entering my 10th hour soon, not so lucky. Most days working at the base is great, but every once in a while, you could literally die of boredom. This week has been a busy one again. Wednesday I had parent/teacher meetings from 9:40 to 6:00 p.m. Everything went fine and almost all of my parents showed up. But it is very nerve-wracking meeting that many new people in one day. At least for me it is. The day went by quickly though, and I hope that the parents are as nice the rest of the year as they were Wednesday. Yesterday I didn't even go in though, and I paid for it today. Most of the students had to retake the tests they took yesterday, b/c they failed. They passed today. For some reason, subs come in and their brains shut down. I know they're thinking "FUN DAY!" but I would never have failed a test (let alone 2) just b/c my teacher wasn't there. My spring break starts next Friday, and I'm really looking forward to that. Of course, I'll be working at the base most of the time, but it's still a break. Then I'm off to my cousin's wedding in Virginia! I can't wait for that. It's going to be fun to spend time with family again with no real worries around. Except of course the usual wedding worries. Austin and I should be closing on our house by Monday. One month and one day after the original contract ran out. Things have been so frustrating with that, I don't even want to write it down. Let's just say we'll both breathe a huge sigh of relief when all this is over. We can't wait to start looking for a place of our own. I love my family, but living with them after you've been away is not easy for any of us. Things have been good overall. I got to hang out with Kimberly and Jessica this week, and that rarely happens. We actually got to talk. It's been really nice, being around our friends again. That is all I'm going to do on this post for now. Let's just say all this was an update. I hope it's not to rambling and choppy. I'm quite tired, and my first indication of this is that I keep having to retype everything. I hope everyone has had a great week and an even greater weekend. Spring is almost here!!

My congratulations go out to Amanda and Phillip!! I'm very happy for you, and I can't wait to actually meet you, Amanda.